


R E F L E C T I O N S

by Ishmael (DustyP)



Category: Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2013-05-26
Packaged: 2017-12-13 01:35:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DustyP/pseuds/Ishmael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the episode The Brand of the Beast)</p>
            </blockquote>





	R E F L E C T I O N S

Captain Lee Crane frowned as he stood in the Observation Deck of the submarine Seaview, his dark hazel eyes gazing unseeingly out through the transparent nose of the nuclear vessel.  The myriad of fish, visible in the cool green depths, did not even register on his consciousness, he was so worried.

 Admiral Nelson was definitely avoiding him, and Lee couldn't understand what he'd done to deserve such treatment.  Surely, his friend - his commanding officer, understood that he'd had no choice in putting the safety of the one hundred and twenty men aboard the science craft before his own personal feelings.   He would willingly have died for the Admiral, in fact most of the regular crew of the submarine would have done the same for Nelson - and for him.  Crane was in no doubt about the loyalty of the crew - Chief Sharkey, Kowalski, Patterson, they'd all known the Admiral longer than they'd known him, but he was quite sure he'd won their trust, the very nature of some of their assignments and the danger they'd all shared, had made that very clear, even before Nelson had told him.

Admiral Harriman Nelson had been one of the youngest four-star Admirals on active service with the Navy before retiring. Now he devoted his time and considerable energy to another career, exploring the oceans he loved, on a civilian vessel - his very own Seaview - his pride and joy. 

Nelson had designed the ultra modern submarine, had watched it being built; most of the scientific equipment aboard was also the product of his fertile and imaginative brain.  In the world of science, he was respected as being a genius in some specialised fields and was also well regarded in the Navy;  he was a charismatic leader and a good friend to his younger officers - and Crane loved him.

Loved every inch of his commander's stocky frame with its thatch of red-gold hair which shone like a miniature sun in the confines of the cabins; his sea-blue eyes which could smile or turn as stormy as the ocean they both loved.   His temper was unpredictable at times, especially when he was struggling with some scientific problem, but the outbursts were usually of short duration and did little to ruffle the contentment of the crew as a whole.

Crane sighed, running a hand over his own curly black hair.  He'd almost lost his best friend and lover with that dreadful beast virus and it was only through sheer luck and his own stubbornness in refusing to allow Nelson to kill himself, that the Admiral had been restored to them, the nitrogen bubbles in Nelson's blood having killed off the virus, leaving him sane and healthy.  

 After the first rush of euphoria when the Doctor had pronounced his blood clean of the virus, Nelson had retreated to his own cabin, but not before he'd thanked Lee and the Doctor, and reassured the crew members who had so reluctantly hunted him through the metal corridors of the submarine.

Crane, when his duty period was over, had gone there hoping to be able to talk to his friend and apologise for what he'd had to do.   Nelson had already told him he wasn't to blame, that he couldn't have done anything else, but Lee was still shaking inwardly from the trauma of seeing the person he loved so dearly, in such terrible danger - and a danger to anyone who came into contact with him.

He'd knocked quietly on the door and after a few seconds, opened it and gone inside.  Nelson had been lying fully clothed on his bunk, one arm flung over his eyes and for a terrible moment, Crane had thought the virus had returned in another form.

"Admiral?" he'd croaked, approaching the bunk with trepidation.  His relief was all too evident when Nelson lowered his arm, uncovering blue eyes, the bleakness of their gaze unable to hide the unhappiness so clearly visible.

Nelson had swung his legs over the side of the bunk, sitting up abruptly as Crane came to a halt by his side.  

"Yes, Lee?  What can I do for you?"  

The tone was far too bright to be convincing and Lee swallowed the words which immediately sprang to mind... _let me love you, take away the fear - from both of us._

"Er..nothing.   I..er... I just wanted to see you... maybe talk to you a while."   

Nelson glanced at his wristwatch, "Well... I should really be getting some work done... lost too much time over... over..."  He flushed hotly and fell silent, studying the weave of the carpet  with pretended interest.

"You're exhausted," Crane protested, "can't you leave it for a couple of days?"

Nelson  glared up at him.  "No, I can't," he snapped, colour still high.   "I have to get to work on that reactor problem."

"But Admiral... Sir..." Crane fell back on formality.   "Can't you at least talk to me... I'm so very sorry... about everything!"

"So am I, Lee... so am I."  There was a flat note of pain in the grim tone.  "I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you... and the crew... I just... just..."  He shrugged and slid off the side of the bunk, forcing Lee to step back a pace.    

"I was hoping that we might talk... Harri... er Admiral.   Thought it might help."  Lee's eyes looked very dark and deep and Nelson found himself being drawn towards the younger man.

He broke the spell with an effort and stepped passed the tall figure quickly.

"Maybe later... when I've more time... okay?"

He walked into the bathroom and splashed cool water over his hot face, mumbling his thanks when Crane handed him a towel. He dried his face and hands, not daring to look at Lee, who was hovering anxiously in the doorway, afraid he might be tempted to sink into the younger man's arms and hide his shame and distress there.   The thought of the comfort his lover could give him almost made him weaken, but it wasn't fair on Lee to take advantage of his concern right now.    
In a few days - if Crane still felt the same - he might be ready to relax, talk to him of other, more pleasant and personal matters - but at the moment, he couldn't do anything but concentrate on his work;  that way he might even be able to forget the horror of what had happened to him.  

The raging beast he'd had inside him was silent now... but it had been uncontrollable and now he was very much afraid of losing control - not only of his emotions, but his actions.   Added to that was the fear deep within him that maybe it would come back one day.   It  wasn't fair to subject Lee to such danger - he should really end their short-lived affair - but he would miss his lover a great deal.  He hesitated, wanting to put off the evil hour as long as possible.

Unable to think of a valid enough reason for prolonging his visit, Crane had walked with the Admiral to his laboratory, then continued on to the Observation Nose, where he was thinking some very unhappy thoughts.   He knew Nelson needed some time to come to terms with the recent past events - but as far as Lee was concerned they were past events.   His feelings hadn't changed towards his lover - in fact, they seemed to have deepened under the shock of nearly losing him.

But did Nelson think differently?   Even given the trauma he'd undergone, surely he didn't think that Lee would turn away from him when he obviously needed some extra love and care?

Or had his feelings changed, maybe that damnable virus had somehow changed his Admiral's feelings for him?

Lee shook his head.  No, he wouldn't believe that!  Not yet at any rate - not until it was spelled out for him without any possibility of a mistake.  

Deciding to give Nelson a night's rest, then broach the subject again, he allowed his thoughts to wander to a much pleasanter subject:  the night he had found out that his deeper feelings of love for his Admiral were reciprocated.     
  
Nelson was attending a fairly ordinary two-day seminar with Crane as his Aide.  It had been a warm day, and Lee appreciated the cool late-night breeze on his cheek as he leaned on the promenade rail, with the warm presence of the Admiral's body beside him; they were not touching, but Lee was very aware of him, as they watched the full moon riding on the edge of the restless ocean, its white beams cutting a pathway which seemed to lead straight to them.    He mentioned this to Nelson and the older man turned his head and smiled, his white teeth seeming to glow in his tanned features as they reflected the bright moonlight.

"That sounds rather poetic, Lee... where's your practical streak tonight, eh?"

"Taken the night off, I guess."  He blushed slightly and Nelson put out his hand and grasped his arm for a few tingling seconds.

"Sorry Lee, didn't mean to sound sarcastic."

"You didn't."  Crane grinned at him.   The way he was feeling right now, nothing could faze him.  

There was silence for a few more special minutes, then Nelson sighed and straightened up.   His face looked quite serious in the moonlight and Crane wondered why.  The day had gone rather well; the Admiral's talk on the marine exploration undertaken by the Seaview had had an interested audience and after the closing speeches and congratulations, to which Nelson responded briefly, but sincerely, they'd retired to their separate rooms to get ready for dinner.  The meal had been excellent, the company good, with people Crane had met before - and when Nelson had suggested walking down to the waterside before retiring, Crane had eagerly agreed.

 "Anything the matter, Admiral?" Lee asked softly.

"No... no, nothing is wrong.  I've had a pretty good day," Nelson said at once.   He paused, then added slowly, "I've really enjoyed the dinner - and the company."

"Yeah, they're a pretty good bunch, not at all stuffy - or absent-minded boffins, as I'd thought."  Lee suddenly realised he may have over-stepped the mark of good manners - maybe Nelson thought he meant that his Admiral was a stuffy, absent-minded boffin, too?   "Er..I mean...." he started to stutter.

Incredibly, Nelson laughed aloud.   "It's okay, Lee, I know exactly what you mean.  Sometimes we old codgers are a little hard to take."

"You're not an old codger," Lee said quickly.   "Not old at all, actually."

Nelson glanced at him again, and smiled.  "Thanks." He was about to add something, then gave a faint shrug.  "Still, I'm quite a bit older than... than you."

"I never think of you as being older than me," Crane said musingly.  "To me, you're just the same age..."  He stopped, flushing faintly, he'd never had this sort of conversation with Nelson before, but tonight it seemed very natural - and right!

 "Really?"  The Admiral seemed eager to proceed with this thought.  "You mean that?"

 "Of course I do!   In fact, I like you... a lot... as a friend I can talk to.. tell you things."   Might as well say it, thought Lee, it's nothing but the truth.  I've wanted to tell him for months now.

"I'm glad," Nelson said simply. "Because somehow, I feel the same way."

There was another longer pause, the rapport flowing between the two men heightening their senses, until Nelson said slowly, "I know I probably shouldn't tell you this, Lee, and I hope it doesn't spoil what we already have..."

He paused, and Crane held his breath, mentally urging the older man to continue.  He knew - knew for an absolute fact what the Admiral was trying to say.

"Yes...?" he said quietly, putting all the encouragement he could into his tone.

Nelson glanced at him, then away again to watch the diamond white lights gleaming on the black water.   "I'm very....f ond, of you, Lee.  I hope you intend to stay with Seaview... and...and....me!"

The last words were so low Crane could hardly hear them, but his heart was singing a triumphant melody.   Instinctively knowing that the other man needed a little more encouragement, he moved a mite closer and put his hand on the Admiral's elbow, his last doubts fading away as he felt Nelson trembling.

"I couldn't leave the Seaview... or you, Admiral, even if I tried."

The deep blue eyes lifted to meet his in surprised delight.   "You mean... you don't intend to take that job Commander Ramshaw offered you.   Your friend works as his Assistant, doesn't he?"

"Who?  Jonathan?   Yes, he does.    But..." it was Lee's turn to choose his words carefully.  

Earlier that evening, he'd seen the Admiral out of the corner of his eye when Jon had been getting rather affectionate, and hoped Nelson  hadn't got the wrong idea. Or maybe, Nelson had got the right idea, but associated it with the wrong person.  Crane had to put him straight about his relationship with Jon - now.

"Jon and I go back a long way, Admiral. He's always wanted more than I could give him.  He never gives up, even though he knows it's hopeless.  My heart belongs elsewhere."

The animation faded from Nelson's face, "Oh, I see.  You have... er... are involved with someone else."

Crane smiled, "Not yet," he murmured softly, "but I'm hoping..."  He paused, his gaze drifting tenderly over Nelson's moon-lit features.  "I'm hoping... it can be you."

The warm pressure of his fingers on Nelson's elbow and the even warmer expression in his hazel eyes left no room for doubt, and he was quite satisfied with the result, as the Admiral's eyes widened, and a glow spread over his face.  

Yet, even with his heart taking on a quicker tempo and with the evidence of Lee's closeness and the message he was receiving from Crane's whole demeanour, Nelson still had to be sure.  It was far too important for him to make a mistake.   He had loved the younger man for some considerable time now, but much as he wanted Lee, he had to be quite sure that Crane understood what a relationship with him would mean. Nelson couldn't have just a casual affair with his young Captain - for him it was love, a true and abiding love - and he needed Lee to understand this and return it in at least some measure.  It would break his heart to  be loved for a day, a week, a month, then find out that Crane had mistaken affection for love and be left more alone than ever when the Captain asked for a transfer away from Seaview.  He didn't for a moment believe that Crane would deliberately deceive him, but he might not have thought it out as thoroughly as Nelson had.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, he turned to face Crane squarely.  "You mean that, Lee?  Don't feel as though you have to pretend. I couldn't stand that."

"What can you stand?"  Crane asked.  His voice was low and hypnotic,  and Nelson responded to its appeal by clasping the younger man's arm tightly.

"I can stand any amount of you... Captain.  I've wanted to tell you for weeks now, but thought I wouldn't stand a chance.  But tonight, seeing you with the rest of that crowd, listening to you, you stood out like a gem-stone... and I suddenly thought it was now or never... then when I saw you with young Jon... I... I..." He shook his head, "thought I'd lost you forever," he finished in a whisper.

The scene he had accidentally witnessed had burned a hole in his heart and left him feeling adrift on a stormy sea.

During one of the intervals in the Seminar they'd just attended, he'd lost sight of Crane as a number of his friends and colleagues had clustered around, telling him how much they were enjoying his lectures.    Nelson had been gratified to hear this, because sometimes it was very hard to get his point across to laymen, or even to men in his own branch of science.  Crane had told him once, when he'd been angry and disheartened, that his ideas were far above their intelligence, but they would catch up -  eventually.  He remembered even now, the warm glow which had spread through him as he realised that Crane was angry on his behalf, and that the young Captain really cared about his work, even though, as Lee admitted with a rueful grin, he couldn't understand most of it.

After Nelson had excused himself and wandered away in search of something to eat and drink (he wouldn't admit, even to himself, that he was looking for Crane), he had rounded the corner of a long corridor, his footsteps making no sound on the thick carpeting, to find Crane and his friend Jonathan Farmer, laughing together outside a door which Nelson knew led into a quiet conservatory.  Crane had his back to him and both dark heads were very close together as Farmer whispered something in Crane's ear.

His heart suddenly feeling like a lead weight inside him, Nelson had watched as the two figures swung round slightly as Jonathan put his arms round Lee, whose head came just above Farmer's shoulder, and planted a very possessive kiss on Crane's mouth.   Crane didn't seem to mind, the Admiral thought dully; he made no protest that Nelson could see, merely  encircling the taller man's body with one arm as he opened the door with his free hand, ushering them both out of Nelson's view.   He had started to retreat around the corner and didn't think he'd been seen, since obviously the two younger men had other things on their mind.

Nelson had managed to get his emotions sufficiently under control  to finish his presentation, concentrating hard and not daring to look and see if Crane and Farmer had returned to the Lecture Hall.

As the audience drifted from the Hall, he'd been pleasantly surprised to find Crane at his elbow, helping him gather up his papers and demonstration slides.

Crane looked as though he had something on his mind, so Nelson had merely nodded his thanks and left - leaving the Captain to carry out his duties as Admiral's Aide.

They had arranged to have dinner with a number of Nelson's colleagues and there was no more surprised man than Nelson, when Crane knocked on his door promptly at the time stated and cheerfully said he'd wait and walk down with him.

Nelson had nodded dumbly and went to get his jacket. He had been rather quiet at first, but gradually thawed under the influence of Crane's cheerful conversation and the very real affection his friends held for him.

He had decided that no matter what happened in Crane's personal life, he still wanted Lee's expertise on the Seaview;  to be able to see him, be near him now and then - that would have to suffice.

But now, although Nelson could scarcely believe it was possible, here he was, with the person he loved by his side, the younger man's body pressed close to his own - and he knew that he had discovered a fair example of paradise right here on this promenade.

Crane had watched the conflicting emotions flit across the older man's face, and seen the shadow that dimmed the bright blue of his eyes. Pushing his cap back on his head, he leaned forward to whisper into one receptive ear, "You can't lose me now, Admiral... you don't know how long I've waited for some sign that you returned my feelings."  He paused, then laughed very softly, making Nelson's skin burn as the other man's breath touched his neck.  "You know, we've been skating round and round the point of all this... but now I have to ask. Do you love me as much as I love you, Harriman Nelson?"

Nelson turned so that his lips were touching the younger man's smooth-shaven cheek, revelling in the clean scent of the other's cologne ... whatever it was, it sure suited him.

"Don't know about that, Lee Crane... but I've loved you ever since you crept aboard my submarine... you stole right into my heart, and you've stayed there - just can't shift you at all!"  He paused then added softly, "Don't want to either!"

Crane felt as though he'd just dived into the deepest ocean trench without an oxygen mask, he felt breathless, light-headed with relief and joy.  

"Wish we weren't standing in the middle of a promenade..." he said huskily.  "I'd like to kiss you.   Been wanting to for weeks."

Nelson laughed softly and gestured with one hand. "Lee, it's after midnight, there are no lights near us... and if anyone sees us - well, what of it?   We can pretend that we are two sea-folk, come out of the ocean to sample dry land... and..."

The rest of his words were lost as Crane lowered his mouth to brush swiftly but ever so surely across the smiling lips below his.   Lee heard Nelson catch his breath, then two strong arms went around his body, pulling him close and the lips beneath his parted, eager and welcoming.

It was the most satisfying kiss that Crane had received in a long time.   The passion he himself felt was echoed in the strong body that pressed close to his... but there was also a strength of will, of control that thrilled and frustrated him in turn.   In that moment of mutual delight, he had the feeling that although their road together would not always be smooth sailing, it would never, ever, be dull.

Lee blinked as a sound interrupted his pleasant recollections.  Someone had coughed to attract his attention and he turned to see one of the crew behind him.  "Yes, Kowalski?"

Kowalski handed him a slip of paper, "Commander Morton asked me to bring this, sir."

Crane read it swiftly, then handed it back.   "Carry on.  Tell Mr. Morton I'll be in my cabin if he needs me."

The message didn't require his attention, merely to inform the Seaview crew that all the people on board the Columbine were fit and well after their ordeal, only minor cuts and bruises.  Chip Morton had already acknowledged receipt of the message.

The man turned, then hesitated, flushing awkwardly "Er... Skipper?"

Crane raised a dark eyebrow and smiled to put the man at ease. "Yes?"

"The Admiral, sir..."  

Crane's smile faded "Yes, what is it?   Is he okay? Has something happened?"

"No, no, sir.   He's fine, he's in the laboratory, the Chief has just seen him."   He fiddled with the piece of paper.

 "Come on, Kowalski, spit it out.  What's the matter?"  Crane's relief was evident in his tone of voice.

"Well, sir... I just wanted to say... ask.  The Admiral doesn't think we wanted to hurt him, does he?   I mean, the guns an' all..."

"Rest easy, Kowalski, the Admiral knows you... we... were all just doing our duty... and what was best for the whole crew.  He knows none of us would deliberately hurt him."  Crane said reassuringly.

The smile spreading across the broad, slavic features of the technician was evident of the man's relief.  "Thank you, sir.   None of us would ever want to hurt the Admiral, we've been with him... known him a long time."

"I know,"  Crane said slowly and clapped the man on the shoulder. "You can go and tell the Chief that no-one is blaming him either."

Kowalski grinned,  "Yes, sir," delighted that the Captain knew without being told that Sharkey was worried too.

When the seaman had left, Lee shook his head, a slight smile curving his lips.  Yes, some of them had been with Nelson on Seaview longer than he had.  They didn't know him as well - as intimately - as he did, he thought, grinning wickedly to himself as he hugged the memory of those special hours Nelson and he had spent together since they'd become lovers.

Sobering slightly, his thoughts returning to his beloved Admiral, he wondered a trifle anxiously how Nelson was feeling.  Kowalski's words had started a train of thought that wasn't welcome.

What if Nelson was worrying about how the crew had hunted him with loaded guns -  at Crane's orders?

 Maybe the Admiral wasn't just exhausted, maybe he was wondering how far Crane would really have gone to protect his men.

Would Nelson ever feel safe again when he was alone with Crane?

Lee started up from the edge of the desk he'd been sitting on.  He had the sudden feeling that if he didn't go and see Nelson now, this very minute, he would lose him.   Lose him forever into the dark thoughts that must be plaguing his tortured mind.  Leaving the Admiral to think had been a mistake, how bad an error Lee didn't yet know, but he should not have left him. Given time, no doubt Harri would decide that there was no future with Lee for him, for whatever reason.   Fear of betrayal by his own emotions, of whether the virus would return.  Oh yes, Lee knew his lover well enough to know that would be uppermost in Nelson's thoughts.

"You bloody idiot," he admonished himself savagely, as he sprang for the spiral ladder.   He had to get to the laboratory - and fast!

In the laboratory, Nelson sat on a high stool, gazing unseeingly at the papers spread on his work-top.   After Lee had left, he'd started to work, trying to ignore the knowledge of Crane's reluctance to leave him.   But he had to have some time, to sort out his jumbled thoughts, and the laboratory was always one place he would be left in peace, unless something drastic happened to the ship.

He grinned mirthlessly as he remembered something drastic had just happened to the ship, he'd almost wrecked his precious Seaview.

He lit the burner with a hand that wasn't quite steady, almost afraid to look at the back of it in case the dark fur had appeared again.   But the tanned skin was clear of any blemish - and his heart-beat slowed as he regained control of his breathing.  This would have to stop - but when?   When would he stop watching for the first signs of the beast virus returning to haunt him?  

Nelson shook his head, he had to stop this line of thought, it led nowhere - and would drive him to the edge of madness.

He concentrated on the job and managed to lose himself in the intricate mathematics he was using to try and solve the problem of the defective reactor valve.  

As soon as he had finished with one set of figures and sat back, stretching his aching back muscles, the thought of his future returned in full force.

Did he have the right to expose not only the crew, but his beloved Lee to the danger of a return of the virus?

Should he leave Seaview and stay ashore?  Yet that was no guarantee of safety for anyone, merely exchanging one set of people he cared about for another: his staff at the Institute would be just as much at risk.  The only advantage of being ashore, was that Lee would be safe from him.

Nelson buried his face in his hands - never to see Lee, or be able to touch him ever again.   Never to taste the sweetness of those smiling lips or hear the younger man's laughter-filled tones in his ear as Crane whispered some outrageous suggestion, that usually made Nelson blush. That was a very high price to pay.  He sat upright in his chair, decision taken: no matter what the cost to himself in misery and loneliness, he would have to pay it.    
It was better than exposing Crane and the other men on the submarine to danger.

Unbidden, his thoughts returned to the first time Crane had kissed him!   The warm night, the quiet stillness heightened by the soft sound of the waves breaking against the sand under the promenade.   He recalled how he had enjoyed that weekend.   At first, when he'd seen Crane with his friend Jonathan, he'd been miserable, feeling that the opportunity to tell Crane of his growing affection had been lost forever. For what chance did he stand against the tall, dark-haired young officer who had been a college-friend of Lee's?

Jonathan was very handsome, with thick black hair and sparkling brown eyes, his immaculate uniform setting off his tall frame to perfection.

Whereas, Nelson grimaced to himself, he was short and stocky, his hair was red, his eyes a plain blue - and worst of all - he was more than ten years older than Jonathan and Crane.

Better to forget about a closer relationship and enjoy the one he had.   Just being with Crane was a joy - that would have to suffice.

Then the miracle of hearing Crane tell him that he loved him - was in love with him and... and actually wanted him - wanted him physically.  Nelson smiled at the memory of his total disbelief. Over the years, he'd been so busy with his scientific work and building up the international reputation of the Institute, he'd had little time for romance.   Oh, he'd had the occasional affair with some of the young women he'd met at the Institute and on his varied travels, they had seemed to find him attractive enough; but in those days he'd been wedded to his work and the Institute - and none of them had stayed around for long - although somehow, most of them had remained friends.

His sister, ten years his junior,  had approved of one or two, but was jealous of the attention Nelson paid to them.  She loved her big brother, for despite his engrossment in his work, he'd always tried to find time for her; after their parents died, they'd grown even closer than before.  He'd even encouraged her to do what she wanted -  which was to go to art school in Paris.   Nelson's smile grew very gentle as he recalled his sister's enthusiastic letters from Europe - she never forgot to write every month - sometimes it was only a postcard - but a few words arrived promptly every four weeks.

He remembered telling Crane about the postcard he'd received that weekend - they'd laughed together over the caption - he couldn't even remember what it was now - only the shared laughter.

Oh Lee!!  Nelson groaned.  That night was one of the best he'd ever spent.   The memory of Lee's warm breath on his neck, the feel of those long arms closing around him very securely - and the warm sweetness as Lee had taken his mouth in a swift kiss - that had set Nelson's pulses racing.    A kiss that had deepened and become more demanding as he had responded, hardly daring to believe this was happening.

Lee's whispered words had set his blood on fire and he had clasped the taller figure so tightly Crane had laughingly told him he wasn't trying to get away, just breathe.

There, under the banner of moonlight lighting up the dark and restless ocean, he had shared a most intimate embrace with the person he loved - and who, it had turned out, loved him in return.

He had felt so shy, trembling with longing and unable to do more than return Crane's increasingly passionate kisses with willing eagerness, feeling the hard bulk of the younger man's aroused flesh pressing against his belly - his own loins swelling with the sheer joy of knowing he was wanted by the one person he loved more than anyone he'd ever met.

Crane had pressed him closer, taking off his cap, fingers stroking through his hair, murmuring how much he loved the colour and how much he'd wanted to touch it, before taking his mouth again in a searing kiss, a hot, plundering tongue urging his own to respond.  

They had stayed on the deserted promenade for another thirty minutes, indulging themselves in soft kisses and whispered promises - knowing there was no way they could consummate their love that particular evening, but the excitement and anticipation built up between them as they made arrangements to spend the next weekend together.  This they had managed to do, at a luxurious, out-of-town hotel, which catered for businessmen and tourists alike.   It was in sight of the ocean they both loved, and would always hold a very dear place in their memories.  
  
Nelson shifted uneasily on his high stool as he felt a familiar tingling in his groin.  He had loved those precious stolen moments in the moonlight, hardly daring to believe the wonderful things that were happening to him, and that first weekend alone with his lover had been everything he'd ever dreamed.  Their joining had been passionate, yet tender, and mutually satisfying if the things Lee told him afterwards were true: but all that was a thing of the past - it had to be - for Lee's own sake.

He sat still, fingers clenching in his hair, allowing the wash of memories to roll over him, a quiet despair in his heart now that he'd made the decision - but convinced it was the right and only action to take.

This was the sight which greeted Crane as he hurtled through the laboratory doorway, without bothering to knock in his anxiety to see Nelson.

The Admiral was perched on the bench stool, legs curled round the supports, neat, black-shod feet on the bottom rail.   His elbows were planted amidst scattered papers, his red-gold head, glimmering under the brightness of the desk lamp, was clasped between his palms, body slumped over the work-table and Crane's heart ached with tenderness at the vulnerable and forlorn figure.

As Nelson raised his startled features towards the interruption, Lee's resolve was renewed and strengthened when he saw for himself just how much Nelson was suffering.   The wide-set eyes with their long, thick  lashes, were dull and dark with pain and there was a bitter twist to the sensitive lips, which didn't fade completely as Nelson asked anxiously, "What's the matter?   Something wrong with the ship?"

Lee came to a halt beside the stool, breathing hard; he had run all the way from the Observation Nose - now he felt a hysterical laugh bubbling up inside at the normality of the question.

"Er..no, Admiral, everything is working smoothly."

Nelson nodded, but didn't relax as much as he should have done.   He looked down at the desk, picking up his pencil and shuffling papers aimlessly, waiting for Crane to either speak or leave.

Crane took a moment to steady himself; this wasn't going to be easy.

Nelson risked a sideways glance, then meeting the warm brown gaze of his Captain, flushed slightly and looked away.

The silence was building to a tension and still Lee was tongue-tied, whatever he said was going to be wrong.

Finally Nelson glanced up again, his eyes still dull, without hope. "Well...?"   He tried for his old irascible tone, but failed to hide the slight tremor.

"Er... actually... I just had to see you, I thought something was wrong."  

Nelson tensed and replied sharply, "There's no need for this, Lee.  You can't spend your time worrying whether that virus is back - I'll be okay.   There's no need to concern yourself, I won't endanger the ship or its crew."

Crane grimaced inwardly, he knew he'd said the wrong thing as soon as the words were out of his mouth.  Obviously Nelson thought all Lee was worried about was the ship and his men and he was probably wondering whether Lee would ever trust him again.   Somehow, he had to get through that barrier Nelson was so carefully building between them.

 "That's not why I came, Harri..."  He edged closer and put a hand on the nearest broad shoulder.

Nelson shivered and swung round on the stool, meaning to get up, but Crane's grasp was firm and turned him around so that they faced each other.

"Don't shut me out, Harri... I love you, I want to help you.  I came here because I couldn't bear to be parted from you another minute."

Nelson shifted uneasily under the younger man's hand and tried to rise, but Crane was standing so close now, one hip between Nelson's parted thighs, one hand still on his shoulder, that he couldn't move without touching Lee's body.

"Well... actually, there is something I ..er... have to tell you," he began.

"You still love me," smiled Crane, leaning forward and kissing the broad forehead.

"No... I mean... yes, of course... er...." Nelson floundered, betrayed by his own emotions.   Of course he loved Lee - that was why he had to leave Seaview.

He took a deep breath, and without looking at Crane said quickly.  "I do love you, Lee... but I think we've gone as far as we can with... with..." his voice failed him, but he cleared his throat and continued on determinedly.  "I'm going to spend more of my time at the Institute... er ...spend less time on board Seaview.   I have such a lot of work I've been neglecting lately..."

Crane's hand under his chin stopped the flow of words.  Nelson tried to resist, but the grip was firm and lifted his head, forcing him to meet Crane's dark eyes.   

Nelson expected to find at least anger, contempt and certainly hurt in that beloved gaze, but the tenderness and compassion in those hazel eyes, almost broke his resolve to leave.

 "You can't run away from me, Harri... I won't let you."  Lee's voice was calm.

He'd listened with inward horror to Nelson's words, and couldn't help the brief wave of anger which washed over him - did Nelson think so little of him - didn't he trust him.   Then Lee's heart told him the real meaning behind those words, and he felt quite calm and determined.

Nelson had every reason not to trust Lee - after all, it had been  Crane's order to load the guns with live ammunition.

"You can't stop me doing anything I like... Captain!"

Crane had to smile at the flash of temper which brightened the Admiral's sombre gaze - it gave back life to Nelson's features.  Crane hated to see him so hurt and full of despair.

"Oh yes, I can," he retorted, tightening his grip and edging closer between the muscular thighs.   "Because I know you don't really want to leave me, or Seaview.   Right?"

Nelson shook his head helplessly, trying to squirm backwards off the stool as his traitorous body responded to his lover's close proximity.

"It's for the best... for everyone concerned," he gasped.

"No," Crane shook his head, "it's not best for me...and I don't think it's best for you.   You do still love me, don't you... and I don't just mean lik e this..." and he deliberately dropped his hand to Nelson's lap, feeling the swelling there grow harder under his touch.

Nelson cried out and pushed at Lee's chest, forcing him back far enough, so that he could slide off the stool.  "Don't Lee... don't do that.  You know we can't go on like before, it's far too risky - for both of us," he cried in an effort to make Crane think.

Crane studied him for a moment; Nelson's face was flushed and he was shaking with emotion, his eyes pleading with Crane to understand and help him to leave, his hands held out to ward him off.

The Captain's thoughts were racing - but with one resolve only.  He had to make Nelson believe in his love - believe that he could trust him - believe that Lee wanted them to stay together.

"Harri, don't upset yourself.   Why can't you trust me?  I won't ever hurt you, I didn't want to give that order - but you said you understood - that it was the only thing to do."

Nelson blinked at the change of subject, and he shook his head. "What?  Oh, of course, the guns... live ammo wasn't it?"  His smile was crooked but genuine.  "Lee, I know you had to do that.  At the time, there wasn't anything else you could've done."   The smile faded, "But you do realise what would happen if the virus ever came back again - you would have to face the same sort of choice - to kill me...or watch the death of some of the crew..."  he paused and visibly shuddered, "...it might even be you," he whispered.  "I couldn't stand that... I can't - and won't take that risk."  He sounded very tired, but sure of what he was saying.

Crane blinked and smiled gently.   "I'm willing to take that risk, Harri,"  he held up his hand as Nelson gave an impatient shake of the head, "...no, listen to me.   I'm willing to take that risk, because it's millions and millions to one that it will ever come back.   There wasn't even the tiniest trace of the virus - Doc was very sure about that.  And he isn't in love with you - so he couldn't be influenced by personal feelings, now could he?"

Nelson snorted, "You know that isn't a proper argument, Lee... the Doctor does have personal feelings - he's a kind and compassionate man, he would want to think the best."

"Yes," agreed Crane, "but he's also a practical man.   He wouldn't risk every man aboard - and that includes you, Admiral - on a mere hope!"

Nelson shook his head, he was so tired - he couldn't argue with Lee, the younger man was just as determined as he was - and had obviously thought it out very well.

Crane approached him again.   "You're just too exhausted to think straight now... give it a couple of days, you'll see I'm right."  He put out a hand and touched the dishevelled hair,  "Get some sleep, hmm?"

Nelson nodded wearily.  "All right, Lee... I am tired."

Crane moved to the door, "Come on, I'll escort you to your cabin."

Nelson grimaced, "You don't have to worry, I'm not going to take the diving bell down again - I have nowhere to go, except ashore when we reach Santa Barbara."

Crane turned around abruptly and grabbed the older man's arms, fingers digging into the flesh painfully. "Now listen.  I'm not checking up on you, I want to walk with you to your cabin, because I like being with you - I'll give any excuse just to stay with you."  He shook Nelson roughly, "You hear me, Admiral?"

Nelson stared in surprise at the anger on Crane's features.  Then incredibly, smiled rather shyly.   "Yes, Lee, I hear you.   And I'll be very glad of your company to my cabin."

Crane felt a fool, standing there, glaring at the man he loved and hearing the softly spoken words.   "All right, then," he said, releasing his grip, wincing inwardly as Nelson unconsciously rubbed at his arms, he must've hurt him.  I'm always doing that, Lee thought furiously.

He picked up the communicator and called the Control Room. "Chip, I'll be with the Admiral for a while, then in my quarters, if you need me."

"Okay, Captain.  Goodnight!"

Crane smiled as he replaced the device and turned to see Nelson smiling too.  

"Chip's a good lad," said Nelson, recalling with some amusement, the way Morton sometimes chased Crane out of the Control Room when he wasn't supposed to be on duty.  "Bet he's glad you're out of his hair for the next few hours."

"Probably," said Crane cheerfully, his humour restored.  "Now, may I escort you to your cabin for a good night's sleep, Admiral... Sir?"

Any other time, he would've had more in mind than letting the Admiral sleep, but maybe it was a bit too soon to force the issue yet.  He would have to wait and judge the moment when it came.

Nelson nodded and followed Crane out of the door.

On the short journey to his quarters, Nelson was touched by the number of crewmen who just happened to be passing and gave him a smile or wished him a cheerful "Goodnight!"   It also saddened him as he realised  he might have caused them the same sort of suffering he himself had gone through.

When they finally reached Nelson's door, Crane opened it and stepped aside, ushering him politely forward.  

Relieved, yet faintly disappointed that Crane was obviously not going to stay a while, Nelson nodded his thanks. "Goodnight, Lee.   Thank you!" he added, as he entered his cabin and turned to close the door.

"What for?" asked Crane as he stepped quickly inside,  "I haven't done anything for you - yet!" and he deliberately locked the door.

There was such a seductive and challenging smile on his handsome face that Nelson's heart gave a half-fearful, half-anticipatory lurch.

"I... I... don't... understand," he replied faintly, mesmerised by the look on Crane's face - half teasing, half desire.

"Oh, I think you'll catch on... eventually," smiled Lee, as he walked towards the figure rooted to the cabin floor.

His fingers reached out and tipped the shorter man's head upward towards his.   "Couldn't let you go to sleep without a goodnight kiss, now could I?" he breathed, before capturing his lover's surprised mouth.

"Lee..." Nelson's voice was muffled, and his hands came up to push against the taller man's chest.   "No... this doesn't solve anything."

"Maybe not... but it does wonders for my heart rate," replied Lee, as he pushed Nelson back towards the wide bunk.  "How about yours?"

As Crane pulled back the curtains surrounding the bunk, Nelson held up a hand, "Lee... I do love you... that's why I have to leave, don't you understand?" he cried, his temper flaring at the younger man's stubbornness.

"Yes, I do understand," replied Lee softly, "but what you fail to understand Harri, is that it's not necessary.   I know what happened to you, I saw it!  I went through hell trying to catch that beast - knowing you were trapped inside it - somewhere; all your intelligence and compassion - your genius - captured by an unknown virus."  His voice shook unexpectedly, and he paused whilst he regained control.  

Nelson was sitting on the edge of the bunk where Crane had manoeuvred him, looking up at him - with compassion, Lee realised.

His hand went out to tousle the already ruffled auburn hair. "I felt as though you were trying to tell me... tell me that you still loved me... I so wanted to believe that."  He swallowed.   "Then when you took the Bell down to the sea bed, I thought I'd lost you forever."  He paused again.  "That's when I decided that if you were suffering so badly you wanted to die, I'd have to help you.  But do it quickly, so you  wouldn't suffer."

He didn't realise his eyes were wet until a finger wiped the moisture from his eye and he looked through a mist at Nelson's quiet features.

"I'm so very sorry, Lee.   I knew I had to put as much distance between myself and you and the crew as possible.   There was no cure, the Doctor said so."

He held Crane's face between his hands and kissed him gently on the mouth.   "But you have to know, Lee... I don't remember anything I did when the virus turned me into... into..." he shuddered.

Lee put his arms around his lover's shoulders,  rocking him gently as he eased himself down to sit beside the older man. "Shh...shh...don't worry, I understand."

"No, you don't - you can't - and I hope to God you never do," cried Nelson agitatedly.

He was trembling, but forced himself to go on.   "It was only in the early stages of the mutation that I had any control - and very little of that.   When the fit came over me, I didn't remember anything about being Harriman Nelson; all I was aware of was black despair, fear and an anger against every living creature."  He lifted bleak eyes "I don't remember.. I can't remember... I didn't even remember that I loved you."   His shoulders shook and a dry sob was wrenched up from deep within his soul.

Lee held him very gently, his mouth making soft soothing noises as it travelled over the other man's face.

Nelson shuddered as he fought for control, yet even though he knew he shouldn't give in to the temptation to allow Crane to comfort him, he knew it was a losing battle.  He needed his lover to comfort him, it was the first time he'd verbalised his feelings of helplessness - and it felt so good to have the person he loved close by.

So when Crane lowered them both to the mattress, he didn't protest - his arms going around the tall, slender body as it spread itself over him.   If this was to be last time they made love, he wouldn't deny himself, or Crane.   Because Lee wanted their union just as much as he now wanted it, every action his Captain had made in the past few hours had been leading to this moment:  it would be cruel and selfish to stop  him - or try to stop him!  In this mood, Crane wouldn't - couldn't be stopped.

Nelson's thoughts grew hazy as Crane's expert fingers divested him of his clothes, the younger man's mouth moving skilfully, lovingly, over his brow and eyes before closing over his mouth; Crane's words muffled and indistinct yet clearly audible to the Admiral's wondering ears.

"Ah... Harri... love you, so damn much.  Don't leave me... please... don't leave me."

Lee straddled the stocky figure, knees either side of his lover's hips as he pulled off his own shirt and unbuckled his pants, pushing them and his underwear impatiently downwards to free his rampant organ which was straining at the soft cotton of his shorts.

 "Are you listening to me, Harri... are you?"  Lee's hands were clasped tightly on the firm, fleshy hips.

 "Yes..." muttered Nelson, his arms stretching above his head before coming to rest on Lee's shoulders as the younger man leaned over him.

 "Do you know now that I love you... want you... want you to want me?"  

Nelson sighed and nodded, stretching sensuously as Crane's engorged genitals speared into his belly.

"Say it!" commanded Crane, rubbing himself against the hardening bulk between Nelson's trapped legs.

"Yes... yes, I want you.  I love you Lee... ohhhh...." he groaned as the weight astride him lifted and Crane's fingers slipped under his thighs, lifting his hips and parting his legs far enough so that Crane's large erection could penetrate his innermost places.

As he struggled to stop himself pushing too hard into his lover's willing, yet vulnerable body, Lee's thoughts spiralled down to this most basic, yet pleasant action.   At first he had wanted to prove to Nelson that he was still desirable, that he was loved and adored.   Now, though, he had lost himself in the sweet, heady labour of love-making, revelling in the hot spicy taste of Nelson's tongue as it curled and fought with his own for dominance - yet both of them knowing when to surrender, to give pleasure as well as take it.

As Crane forged deeper inside him, Nelson deliberately put tomorrow out of his mind, giving himself completely to his lover, sensuously enjoying the feeling of power the pulsing shaft within him generated.  He sensed that Crane wanted to hold back, and it thrilled and delighted him that it was proving difficult for the younger man to do so;  he lifted a hand to stroke the soft black hair:  "It's okay, Lee... it's okay...I  want you... as much as you want me."

Crane paused, raising his head to gaze down into the smiling eyes. "Oh... Harri, I love you... don't want to hurt you... ever... in anything."

"You won't hurt me, Lee... let go... I enjoy it too, you know."

The smile which glowed on Nelson's face lit a joyful response in Lee's eyes, and he laughed softly, kissed Harri tenderly on the mouth, before continuing his passionate exploration of the warm depths of his lover's welcoming body, culminating in an explosive climax which robbed them both of breath and the ability to think rationally, until it was spent.

As Crane collapsed into his sheltering arms, Nelson drew the dark head to his shoulder and stroked his trembling lover with gentle fingers.   He felt at peace with himself for the first time in what seemed days.  Could it really have been less than twenty-four hours since the distress call from the Columbine had set in motion the traumatic events which had touched everyone on board Seaview?

He refused to dwell on the future for the moment; the recollection  of his lover's flesh throbbing and growing inside him, and the whispered words of love and need as Lee reached his climax, was too sweet a sensation to spoil with reality.    The beautiful sense of being loved, of his lover's careful regard for his need and the desire he felt for the dark-haired young man sprawled over him, had helped trigger his own climax at almost the same moment;  he felt drained and calm - and more deeply in love than before, if that were possible.

"Harri" Crane murmured against his neck and Nelson turned his head to hear better.

"Yes, my love?"

"Love you... so much.  Don't leave me.  Things will work out, I know they will."

Nelson smiled sadly.  If only wishes could make things right, they would never have anything to fear.   Lee wanted to believe that, so passionately.  It still felt strange to hear that note of desperation, because Crane had the reputation of being such a cool, practical man; Nelson of course, knew differently, especially since they'd become lovers.  He closed his eyes, still hearing  the young Captain's desperate  words after the virus had left him for a while the day before:

_"I don't know how, but things will work out, I know they will."  And his own flat statement:  "No.   There can only be one outcome - I want you to lock me in here so I can't do any more damage.  Promise me Lee."  And Crane's reluctant, but faintly relieved nod of agreement._

Nelson kissed the short dark hair, smoothing it from the younger man's brow.   Sorry I had to deceive you, Lee.  Even then he had been planning the best way to remove himself from  Seaview and the danger of infecting any of the crew with that damnable virus.   He had chosen the diving bell as his best opportunity.   Locked in that metal shell deep in the ocean, he could not harm anyone - he would die down there, alone, but that was infinitely more bearable than seeing his beloved Lee in any more danger from himself.

His melancholy thoughts were interrupted as Crane rubbed his chin against Nelson's shoulder, "You hear me, Admiral?"  the voice was drowsy, but insistent.

 "Go to sleep, Lee.  Don't worry."   Even in this intimate moment, or especially in this most intimate moment, he could not lie to his beloved.

Crane opened his eyes, a warning bell ringing through his satiated body.  "Harri?  Promise me you won't leave."

There was a short silence. Crane raised himself from his comfortable position, cuddled snugly into the older man's side, his upper body pillowed on Nelson's chest.

He gazed into the shadowed, deep blue eyes and insisted worriedly.  "Please, Harri... promise!"   His fingers moved tenderly over the ruffled fiery hair and down over his lover's nose to trace gently the outline of his mouth, then retraced his path with eager touches of his lips.

Nelson kissed him back and sighed inwardly.   Lee was so sure of what he wanted, maybe he was making a mistake in attempting to remove himself from everything he loved.   Goodness knows he didn't want to leave!

Crane's kisses were becoming more urgent and he felt himself responding as he always did, with complete, whole-hearted eagerness.

He had lost the battle, might as well admit it.   

The Doctor had been very sure that the virus had been completely destroyed and - if he didn't go sticking his hand inside the reactor again - maybe it would stay dead.  

Maybe he and his beloved Captain did have a future together; at least they could enjoy every possible moment, he realised he owed that chance to both Lee and himself.

He rolled over, taking Lee with him so that the younger man was lying beneath him, shamelessly arching his pliant body to meet Nelson's growing arousal.   Nelson brushed his hand over Lee's face, wincing inwardly at the fear he saw in those bright hazel eyes.   He smiled, and saw Crane visibly relax and the smile he received in return was so brilliant it made him catch his breath.

 "Say it," breathed Crane, reaching up to entwine his arms around Nelson's neck, wanting to be quite sure; knowing how fearful Nelson was of hurting him, but he didn't want any half-promises or misunderstandings about so important an issue.

"You win, Captain." Nelson capitulated.  "I promise I won't leave you - not voluntarily anyway," he had to add honestly.

Crane nodded, his smile still in place.  "That's all anyone can promise," he said softly, then drew the red-gold head down to him, mouth taking the Admiral's in a soft grateful kiss.

After a few moments of this delightful interlude, Crane smiled mischievously and said:  "Now, Harri, if you're not too tired, how about some of that extra special loving you do so well?"

"Thought you'd had enough... you  were half asleep," Nelson said in mock astonishment, trying to ignore the pink tide he knew was creeping over his entire body.

"I'm never too tired for you," replied Crane, grinning at Nelson's embarrassment.

The Admiral kissed him lovingly, then settled down by his side.  "I believe you," he said softly, "but for now, I'd rather just hold you close and dream of tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" echoed Lee.

"Yes... you see, I have a future now, I can wait till tomorrow."

With those quiet words ringing in his ears, Crane realised in that instant just how much Nelson loved him.  

Loved him enough to want to leave rather than hurt him in any way; had the strength to deny himself his heart's desire -  and yet, was human enough to surrender to his lover's pleas to stay.

He put his arms around Nelson, tears stinging his eyes.  "I can wait too, Harri.  I love you, more and more every day."

"I know, Lee, I know.   Go to sleep... I'll see you in the morning."

Lee closed his eyes contentedly.   He had a future now too - safe in his Admiral's loving arms.  
  
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(c) Ishmael  
  



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